Saturday, 8 September 2012

The Troubled Life Of Larry, The 10 Downing Street Cat

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Larry the cat at number 10 Downing StreetBen Delicious writes from London: Larry the cat, who moved into 10 Downing Street at the beginning of last year, is finding it hard to get on with his life. Sources claiming to be informed about everything that goes on at Number 10 say that Larry was overheard telling some stray recently that he’s thinking of leaving due to pressures of work and the unwelcome cuddles by people with nasty grins who visit the place.


The food is not all that great at Number 10 either, Larry says. While the inhabitants of the premises he’s been assigned to protect from rodents regularly enjoy Beluga caviar, smoked sturgeon and tiger steaks the poor animal has to settle for cheap imitations of Whiskas. And we all know what s..t Whiskas is, so imagine how its imitation tastes. But things got even worse recently, with Larry’s rations cut due to another spending review. Things got so bad that at some point a charity quiz was held at Number 10 to raise money to pay for Larry’s upkeep.


But it’s the bad vibes of the place that get Larry really depressed and constipated. Lots of backstabbing is going on, with people walking about with insincere smiles, ready to pounce on each other at any opportunity. Some dress silly and talk silly as well, pretending that they know things when they know s..t. Not to mention that the strange man, Tony, who lived on the premises before the current lot moved in, tried to kick Larry when he paid one of his secret visits, spending several hours with the man they all call Dave in the study, talking in a hushed voice about immunity and some guy called Chilcot.


Mice at number 10 Downing StreetThe biggest surprise for Larry, who came to Number 10 from the Battersea dog and cat shelter, was to find out that people at Downing Street didn’t really do very much all day, spending most of their time playing computer games and sending each other silly emails and photos of their genitals. But at least they didn’t pester Larry with their silly questions and attempts to stroke him while trying to stick their fingers into his arse, as some weird looking dude, Peter Mandelson, attempted to do a couple of times when he came over to offer advice on how to handle some bloke called Leveson.


To add to other pressures, on a couple of occasions Larry was questioned by MI5 spooks, who asked him about his friends and whether he was happy at his job. Larry found the questioning intrusive and didn’t even bother to reply. But the experience still left a bad aftertaste in his mouth, as he had after licking his arse after a dump.


Officially Larry is in charge of dealing with rats that infest 10 Downing Street, and I don’t mean the double-dealing, two-timing civil servants and advisors in this case, but actual rats and mice. He’s managed to strike a deal with the mice who promised him not to run around during the day, but rats proved difficult and negotiations are still on-going, which pisses Larry off.


Although banned from the living quarters at Number 10 and 11, Larry can still hear what’s going on in the Cameron and Osborne households. There’s been a lot of doom and gloom in both quarters, with their occupants complaining that they are misunderstood by everyone and that the economy was actually doing pretty well, considering the overall situation. There’s also been talk about some place called Syria that both Dave and George were keen to liberate from some dude by the name of Assad. One night George was heard screaming: ‘I’m rich, I’m rich, I’m rich beyond my wildest dreams!’ And Larry thought it was tacky and inappropriate to behave like that when he was trying to have a nap.


It remains to be seen whether Larry will leave 10 Downing Street. But with another financial crash looming, according to Larry’s contacts in the Treasury, there might simply be no other choice but to find a new place where money won’t be a problem. Like the Brazilian embassy where they are all loaded.


– End –






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