Showing posts with label satire comedy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label satire comedy. Show all posts

Monday, 24 September 2012

The US Surge Is Over, Mr Karzai. Now What Are You Going To Do From Now On?

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US troops leaving AfghanistanClaud Monbar writes from Kabul: The last of the 33,000 US surge troops hit continental America this week and, as everyone knows, President Hamid Karzai needs to start getting used to the idea that from now on it’s increasingly his war.


There’s no hiding in Kabul from the reality of the US exit from Helmand. We all knew they were going. They said so months ago. We all feel just as safe. In other words, we never felt safe anyway.


But the toughie comes now: what will the US do with the 68,000 troops it has left? The answer: they’ll do everything possible to keep them alive and not end up on the Taliban score sheet. If that makes it all sound some sort of game then you’ve hit it in one. That’s what this whole thing has been since 2001 – a mean, bad and ugly game played by the Americans and their mostly European yes men.


A whole shed-load of US and British officers have gone to Afghanistan in search of promotion. Show a soldier a war and he has to go. That’s what he is hired to do but with no Afghan row of medals, then he may as well take a career break.


Sad to say, in all wars it’s mostly the dudes who get killed in action on their service records. The ranchers get to be one, two and maybe even three stars. The irony is that however high or low you get on the military pay-grade in that overwhelmingly beautiful country, you still don’t fix the war.


At one time the blatantly obvious cliché-ridden one star with a name to make would spew out the conventional wisdom that there was no military solution to Afghanistan, only a political one. No one stood up and said wait a minute: without a military solution there cannot be a political one. In other words what are we doing in yet another fire fight that everyone knows we’re going to quit when shrouds get as common as empty gum wrappers?


Helmand fightingSo it has been with the surge. Talk to the Afghan insiders and they’ll tell you bluntly that they weren’t too happy when the surge troops arrived and they’re hardly sorry now that they’ve gone. If that sounds illogical considering the curb on Taliban activity during the surge, then it is not. It is part of the considerable opinion that says the American surge alienated many Afghans and that the Taliban capitalised on that US unpopularity.


This ignores the fact that many towns and cities in Kandahar and Helmand are better off from the big US influx that sent the Taliban going for cover. Now the last helmets are hung up in the US, the people there are waiting for the Taliban’s return. The statistics tell us something we have to learn about this war.


Afghanistan is split into about 400 districts. Between 45 and 50 per cent of all attacks on the people, the government and the ISAF forces take place in the ten southern districts. Want to see a war? That’s the place to go. Always has been. And don’t be fooled by the ISAF-NATO numbers.


The truth is this: killings are as great as when the surge troops arrived. In the first six months of 2010, 1267 civilians were killed. In the first six months of 2012, 1145 have been killed. Not much in it if you’re trying to claim success.


So who covers the US pull out? In theory, Afghan troops. British and American commanders tell pliant TV crews that the ANA are fine soldiers and the training has done a good job. They do not say that unlike the Taliban who are dedicated fighters, the ANA and especially the police are not dedicated. No commitment. Commitment gets you killed.


Simply, the ANA and police have not filled the gap left by the departed US surge troops and worse, they never will whatever the ISAF hand outs tell you.


The Taliban have a saying: “the Americans have all the watches and we [Taliban] have all the time”. In other words, when ISAF goes we will take over. Better believe it.


–End–






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Why Is It That Republicans Love The Duchess Of Cambridge So Much?

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william and kateBen Delicious writes from London: If you are one of those mugs who roll their eyes and squeal with delight when they hear about the Duchess of Cambridge, formerly Kate Middleton, then this one is not for you. You can go back to watching trash on the box or reading celeb magazines. But if you have a cynical view of that supposed ‘match made in heaven’, then let me entertain you with a bit of sarcasm on the subject.


Why do you think republicans love Katie so much? Because, ladies and gents, she suits their cause perfectly. I mean, only seriously thick people might be under the impression that she is a perfect match for the second in line to the throne. In fact, if we are ruthlessly blunt about it, she was probably least fitted to be Prince William’s consort and future queen. She may have been suitable as his mistress for eight long years, although I have my serious doubts about it, but becoming a member of the Royal Family was a disaster.


The biggest giveaway of the conspiracy by the republicans to plug Kate Middleton as the new best thing for the British monarchy is the campaign in the media to promote a stupid idea that she has made the Royal Family look ‘exciting and vibrant and modern’. The problem with Katie is that she is plain and simple and all attempts to make her look like some fashion and style icon fail miserably, just as it sounds absolutely absurd when she is compared to Princess Diana. Even more preposterous are the claims that Buckingham Palace is worried that this unremarkable woman would – wait for it – ‘overshadow’ Prince William. This is a bit like saying that the Beatles were worried about competition with Cliff Richard. So stupid it sounds.


The Duchess of Cambridge can only appeal to people who watch Eastenders and Coronation Street religiously, as they can associate themselves with her. Her story is a chav’s version of the Cinderella story. You know, a simple, unremarkable woman is suddenly propelled into royalty. That is why every time Katie comes out in some high street dress all the simpletons rush to buy it. (I will never believe that intelligent women want to look like the duchess.)


KateThe problem with this whole ‘fairy tale marriage’ is that it has nothing of a fairy tale about it. Ms Middleton was quite determined in her quest to ‘bag her prince’ and used every trick in the book to get him to marry her. It was a cold, calculating operation on her part and if Prince Charles had had any sense he would have put an end to this relationship once and for all. The interests of the British monarchy had nothing to do with the ambitions of the Middleton family to become related to the royals. It’s not some Monaco where the local royals marry actresses and stewardesses, seeing nothing wrong with it.


The recent scandal with the duchess’ topless photos proved once again that the republican lobby is firmly on her side, using her to drag the Royal Family down. I actually think that she is going to spell the end of the British monarchy. Don’t get me wrong, it will continue to exist but it will lack any substance and be insignificant, just like all those mainland European monarchies. The republicans, who are currently staying quiet, having concluded that the Queen is simply way too popular to be attacked openly, are bracing themselves for the change of monarchs. And then they will go on the offensive and scale down the monarchy to the level of some farcical tourist attraction. And Katie would play into their hands perfectly.


– End –






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Wednesday, 19 September 2012

Why Are The Anti-Japanese Demonstrations Escalating? It May Be A Sigh Of Bigger Trouble Ahead

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Anti-Japanese Demonstrations EscalatingGu Suhua writes from Beijing: Leon Panetta, US Defence Secretary, is in town. Besides calling for closer Sino-American military relations, he is warning that the territorial conflicts between China and its neighbours could escalate. Cool heads are needed to bring down the temperature of protests and find a solution. The ongoing demonstrations against Japan show no sign of abating. Symbolically September 18th is the anniversary of the Mukden incident. This occurred in 1931 when Japanese soldiers blew up part of the South Manchurian Railway, then owned by Japan. They blamed it on terrorists but it was used as a pretext to invade Manchuria. The anti-Japanese fury has led to companies such as Panasonic and Canon suspending operations.


The trial of Wang Lijun has just begun. An ethnic Mongol, he was police chief in Chongqing when Bo Xilai was Party secretary there. He reported to Bo about the activities of his wife, Gu Kailai. The latter was implicated in the murder of Neil Heywood, a British businessman, in a hotel room in Chongqing last November. She was recently charged with murder, found guilty and sent to prison. Wang, after discovering that Bo took unkindly to the information which he imparted, took fright and eventually ended up at the US consulate in Chengdu, the capital of Sichuan province. He requested political asylum but after debriefing him, the Americans turned him over to officers of the Ministry of State Security, or secret police.


Wang’s trial will not last long as he has pleaded guilty to all charges. When Gu Kailai did likewise her trial did not even last a day. Wang has obviously confessed in order to get a lighter sentence. Technically, he is guilty of treason and the penalty for that is death. Bo who will not face a public trial. He will appear before a Party disciplinary committee.


Wang was close to Bo. The latter had contacts with high ranking Party and military figures. The sentence handed down to Wang will be examined closely. Will the leadership risk the death sentence at a time when it is preparing for the 18th Party Congress next month?


Wang LijunAnother question surfaces here: why has the dispute with Japan surfaced now? After all, the disagreement over the sovereignty of the islands has been ongoing for decades. Is there an attempt to deflect attention from the deteriorating state of the economy in China? Mobilise the population in protest against an external foe in order to bind people together. Very communist, that. The nation is entering choppy waters so the ship of state has to be steadied. Criticism of the government because of economic hardships can be presented as anti-patriotic.


Why hold the trial of Wang Lijun now? Why not wait till after the Congress and the change of personnel in the Party and government? It could then be given low profile treatment. Wang, to be truthful, had no confidence in Chinese justice. Instead he headed for protection from the US authorities. This was a loss of face for the Chinese legal system.


Again the trial may be seen as a signal that the authorities will deal severely with any dissent. If the anti-Japanese demonstrations and the trial of Wang can be interpreted as above, the conclusion is that the Middle Kingdom’s rulers foresee serious economic problems in the near future. Batten down the hatches is the message.


–End–






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Afghanistan Might Not Turn Into A Hellhole. At Least Not In The Way The US And Britain Seem To Think

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troops in AfghanistanOssie Makepeace writes from Kabul. Lots of people these days insist that the coalition forces should have never gone into Afghanistan. These members of the Let’s Get Out Now brigade are basically saying: to hell with Afghans, let’s pull out. President Hamid Karzai, the add, can go to hell as well. As you can see it from here in Kabul, he won’t have far to go.


As for British and American soldiers, they’re being picked off, one by one, either by the Taliban or by Afghans dressed in military or police uniforms who are either ‘demented’ – the convenient ISAF excuse – or who have supposedly been insulted and humiliated in front of their colleagues and lost it. So bring our boys back home by Christmas, say British legislators in the House of Commons – or at least some of them say that.


Everyone knows it’s a mess and those who really know a thing or two also understand that logistically and practically it’s impossible to get the brave boys and gals home in time for mince pies and Santa. The British Foreign Secretary, the increasingly sad looking William Hague, said that NATO decision to scale back patrols with Afghans will have, what he called, a ‘minimal’ impact on UK strategy.


But wait a moment, Mr Hague! Since when is the UK fighting a private war in Afghanistan? Come now, why not admit that policy is being made on the hoof. That’s pretty standard in a war. What is a little disturbing is that the Americans are panicking – again, pretty standard stuff in war.


That panic was relayed to ISAF and without much consultations, the Americans told ISAF to postpone joint patrols. So much for the coalition of the willing. The Brits are the other main joint patrollers and have suffered much from insider killings. It is clear that as ever, the Americans totally ignored the Brits. Instead they’re saying they have had enough and they’re doing what they have a record of doing in these imperial and colonial war things – giving up. Remember Vietnam if nothing else.


The British Defence Secretary, Philip Hammond, is a reasonable man with a poisoned chalice. He’s presiding over the most mismanaged defence cuts in generations and knows full well there are going to be more so far unannounced reductions in British defence funding. Pulling out of Afghanistan, as much as he would like everyone home safely, will do nothing much more than allow the Treasury guys into his ministry with a slash and burn policy on major projects such as the two Royal Navy carriers and, what’s more the public will support the Treasury. Not much of a job really.


troops on patrolWhat’s more, when Hague and Hammond say nothing that’s going on at the moment will change British strategy they talk amazing self-important nonsense.


Everything in Afghanistan and Washington is moving too fast for Hammond. He was in Kabul a few days ago and told President Karzai that it was up to his people to get a grip on ANA and police recruiting. In other words, it’s Karzai who must do something to stop green on blue. The Americans are not so daft as Hammond. The Americans know full well that Karzai cannot deliver his own crap to the pan as a cold eyed colonel put it to me.


Karzai is due to go in 2014, the year his real minders in the form of the coalition forces skip the country. So who will run the country when he goes? Some think he’s lining up his brother for the job. Those same people point out that his brother is corrupt. This is the land of corruption, so what’s the big deal? Anyway, Karzai doesn’t really want his brother in the job. If that came to pass, Karzai might just as well get on the last helicopter out in 2014 – Vietnam style. His days would be numbered if his brother forced his way in.


Come the day the people who have to sort themselves out are the Taliban. The old guard want their jobs back that they had post-Soviet occupation and the new idealists want a say in the country’s future – don’t forget it’s potentially a very mineral rich state. The problem is with the hoodlums who’ll have no status once the war is over. Parochially, Northern Ireland is a prime example of that as Hammond knows full well.


What will happen? Afghanistan will be partially governed and in desperate need of outside help. Once the main coalition brigades are gone they promise to leave a rump coalition left to continue training both military and civilian middle management – company commanders in both senses. A nation trying for peace cannot survive without its middle-class in everything it does. That should be the real Hague ambition – to provide just that.


The money therefore has to be on the idea that what’s happening now is something you could have guessed would happen and it will not change the long term way to a different Afghanistan. A grim Taliban takeover? Not entirely and in truth not really. There is no Eldorado for Afghans at the end of this but as long as Pakistan, India and the Central Asian Republics don’t squabble over the spoils of this war, Afghanistan will assume the grand status of an emerging nation. That’s not so bad.


And that’s why all the American panic and the British puffed up ego don’t matter a bit. Mentally, they’ve already abandoned the place.


–End–






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Tuesday, 18 September 2012

UN Syrian War Crimes List Keeps Names Secret. That’s A Shame As The World Needs To Know Who They Are

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Maher Al AssadHenry Forth writes from London: The Foreign Office has received a list of suspect war crimes committed by the Syrian military. The list is compiled by yet another UN commission. For the past twelve months the commission’s task has been to register cases of abuse of human rights in Syria.


You’d think that was something of a home-by-teatime job. Not so, according to the suits in Whitehall. The tricky number is not so much gathering reports, because they come real or imagined from anyone with an iPhone in any place you can name in Syria. The test is two-fold: forget allegations and concentrate on hard evidence and secondly, is the evidence against individuals on both sides of the civil war tough enough to prosecute?


Because the chairman of the International Commission of Inquiry for Syria set up last year is Paulo Sergio Pinheiro. He has asked the UN Security Council (the UK is one of the five permanent members, hence the study in London) to copy his findings to the International Criminal Court (ICC) in The Hague. That would be the first step in indicting war criminals in the Syrian conflict.


Mr Pinheiro says there’s definite evidence that individuals at the top of Syria’s government have been signing off massacres – remember more than 100 killed at Houla last spring – individual murders, torturing and rape.


Now, this gets more interesting than the crimes themselves.


On Monday there was a meeting in Geneva of the Human Rights Council. At that session Mr Pinheiro rehearsed all the skills and caution that have made him such a respected Brazilian diplomat and academic at Brown University, Oxford and Ėcole des Hautes Ėtudes en Sciences Sociales. Paulo Sergio PinheiroHe gave the Council a confidential list of the individuals who might stand accused of war crimes.


However, that’s the list we should see. We all know that no conflict goes clean. Every fight is dirty and a civil war tends to be the dirtiest because there’s little ideology fought over only blood vengeance and something deeper than ideology – ethnic hatred. So it is in Syria.


Why then no naming of names? Professorial lawyer Pinheiro says his Commission lacks one crucial element: absolute proof that would nail the war criminals for the rest of their natural lives. So what’s going on? Rumour? No, he says. We know who is guilty. Well, we could all guess up big on this one.


The problem is this: the professor can tell the ICC who authorised and in many cases carried out the criminal atrocities. But the ICC has to have squeaky clean evidence otherwise there’s no chance of a conviction – assuming any of them comes to trial.


Something else is missing from that list: the names of the rebel war criminals. But aren’t we all supposed to be on the side of the rebels? Every Western government is. Blind faith in their cause?


Listen to Obama, Cameron et al and that certainly sounds like it. So why nothing on the summary executions carried out by Free Syrian Army rebels in Aleppo, Latakia and Idlib? There’s just as much evidence for the rebel ordered atrocities as there is for the crimes committed in the name of al Assad.


There is a further complication. Islamist fighters have infiltrated the Free Syrian Army. There is not enough overall command and control over the FSA and therefore the Islamists are killing in the manner they know best – with ruthless disregard for the human rights the FSA is supposedly fighting for.


Messy enough? It should be, especially as now we know that there is a considerable number of men from Iranian special forces – the Quds Force of the Iranian Revolution Guards Corps – operating in al Assad’s army. They have arrived to take command or enforce command since the wounding of al Assad’s hardline brother Maher who is said to have lost both legs in a bomb attack in Damascus on 18 July.


Maher al Assad’s name is on the professor’s list. It is hoped that his rebel roll call is as detailed.


–End–






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Monday, 17 September 2012

Kate’s Pregnant. And No One Had To Climb A Tree To Get The Photos That Prove It

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Duchess of CambridgeFelicity Bushmill writes from London: The Duchess of Cambridge is pregnant. She is three months gone, as my sister-in-law’s earthy midwife puts it. She’s delivered six of my nephews and nieces so I bow to her instincts if not her inside knowledge.


This long awaited news suggests part of the reason William is going for the French jugular. He wants nothing to upset his wife and would-be heir and future British monarch.


Now how does my rolly polly midwife know this? Mobile hacking or maybe a tip off from a St Thomas’s chum travelling with HRHs? Nope.


She’s the greatest monarchist in the nation. She curtseys every time she puts a postage stamp on an envelope, being the only person I know who looks at the Queen’s head on first and second class. This means she has been watching and recording every BBC bulletin of the royal tour, especially when the so dignified Nicholas Witchell is on as opposed to the obsequious other guy – clearly yet another OBE-seeking BBC drip.


And what does she see? Having delivered more than 1000 babies in her forty year career she sees a healthy woman carrying a 12 to 14 week child. The cheeks are rosier and full as a wonderfully pluckable English apple. The arms, just a little heavier and not the near anorexic limbs of just a month ago. And being a woman, she sees the frock looser and fuller.


But the clincher? Those famous breasts. Prettier and proper she says – fuller and preggier by the moment.


royals in Far EastSo that’s it darlings: Kate’s carrying. What fun we’re all going to have. Day by day mass observation of the girl. Millions of eyes, perhaps billions, all tuned like some sensitive ultra sound on the regal tum.


Boy or girl? Will that matter? The answer to that is a constitutional ‘yes’. Cameron’s lot have yet to sort the question of male-female succession. If they have a girl and then later a boy, then the boy gets the throne. Cameron is under pressure to make it a first born job. As a constitutional bill, he can’t skip a parliamentary vote, so he’d better get his skates on.


But what if she has twins? Well first out is next in line and that’s it. Mind you, wins are unlikely. Neither families have twin history and aren’t twins a bit suburban? Having said that, I suppose both the Middletons and Windsors are a teeny bit Orpington. So let’s not rule it out.


Then comes the question about dates. When is the baby due and where will it be born? All seems a mundane question but it’s not actually. The baby must be born in London. Why? Because if Kate goes into labour in Wales or Scotland, then there’s a question of identity. This gets important when we remember that the funny and mischievous Alex Salmond still believes Scottish independence is a runner.


There is of course precedence. The only intellectual British monarch (James VI and Ist) was Scottish. So lots to think and scribble about.


There’s something else to think about. Wills and Kate holding the baby in the fine Christening shawl will make even better Hello! pictures than anything snapped from a tree-top by a garlic stinking froggy up a Luberon tree.


The Cambridges will look the perfect family just as Elizabeth and Philip did with the snuggling bairn Charles in the 1940s. All ready for the nuclear family monarchy. But it is the Queen’s first born who is due to inherit the throne of Great Britain and Northern Ireland and fifteen other countries that still bow to the British monarch.


Sadly a lot of British, especially a younger generation, who have forgotten Charles and think Wills and Kate as next in line (much to Charles’s chagrin) will mutter let’s skip a generation.


So darlings, there’s more to rosy cheeks and a fuller bust line than good news for the Windsor branch of Mothercare.


–End–






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Austerity Is Pulling Spain Apart. Can It Survive As A Single State?

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Mariano RajoyMario Lopez writes from Madrid: More demonstrations against the cuts announced by Mariano Rajoy, the Spanish Prime Minister taking place. A million on the streets of Catalunya demanding independence for the province. ‘Rajoy is a puppet in the hands of the European Commission,’ snarled one protester. A hot summer is giving way to an even hotter autumn. Can the country hold together or will the richer parts, Catalunya and the Basque country, say ‘adios’ and break the country up?


The trade unions sense that their moment has come. They are demanding a referendum on the austerity measures. Even a minority of supporters of the Partido Popular that forms the government support the cuts. So the likelihood is that the government would lose the referendum. After that would come massive demonstrations for new elections. The Left sense that they would win. They probably would.


Those who oppose the referendum say that it would change nothing. Economic policy is not made in Madrid but in Brussels and Frankfurt. If the socialists regained power, they would not extract any more concessions from the troika (EU, European Central Bank and the International Monetary Fund) than the present conservative government. So a referendum and an election would change nothing. In other words, democracy would not work. That said, a socialist government would levy much heavier taxes on the well off and business. The result of this would be a flight of capital and savings leaving Spain the poorer.


So what is the solution? Those in Catalunya are quite clear about this. They are the second richest region in Spain in per capita terms. They transfer more tax to Madrid that they receive in state investments. So if they kept all their own tax they would be better off. They have been hard hit by the austerity measures and have demanded, yes demanded, over 5 billion euros to keep themselves afloat.


Spain is divided into rich, poor and very poor regions. The north is rich, the south is poor and the west is even poorer. A transfer of resources from the north is needed to keep other regions viable. The present constitutional arrangement has only been in place since 1978. Hence there has not been enough time for the regions to gel together and conceive of themselves as one nation. The Catalans use their own language and require everyone from Madrid to speak it. The Basques also demand that their language be used. However whereas those who speak Castilian Spanish can acquire a rudimentary command of Catalan is six weeks, the gap between Basque and Castilian Spanish is as wide as the Atlantic Ocean. The present economic crisis has driven these two regions and Madrid farther apart.


demonstrations in BarcelonaNo one in Catalunya or elsewhere in Spain has proposed the obvious solution to the mess that the country is in. Exit the euro and reintroduce the peseta. This would permit a massive devaluation and set Spain on the road to recovery. There is an obsession in Spain that in order to be part of Europe they have to be in the European Union and the euro. This is due to the fact that the country was marginalised by Europe until Generalissimo Franco dies in 1976. This has left deep scars. Madrid does not want to be cast aside again. In order to be accepted as good Europeans they have to support every initiative emanating from Brussels. Not even the present conservative government will put Spanish interests first.


Spain is bankrupt. The conditions being imposed by Brussels and Berlin are driving down living standards. Unemployment among young people is about 25 per cent. The ambitious are leaving for Germany and elsewhere. How much more pain can Spain take before the people say enough is enough? Spain has a long tradition of anarchy. How long will it take for it to reassert itself? If changing the government does not change policy, why have a government?


The future of Spain is in the balance. It may split up or collapse economically. Both options don’t really look good.


–End–






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