Ben Delicious writes from London: If you are one of those mugs who roll their eyes and squeal with delight when they hear about the Duchess of Cambridge, formerly Kate Middleton, then this one is not for you. You can go back to watching trash on the box or reading celeb magazines. But if you have a cynical view of that supposed ‘match made in heaven’, then let me entertain you with a bit of sarcasm on the subject.
Why do you think republicans love Katie so much? Because, ladies and gents, she suits their cause perfectly. I mean, only seriously thick people might be under the impression that she is a perfect match for the second in line to the throne. In fact, if we are ruthlessly blunt about it, she was probably least fitted to be Prince William’s consort and future queen. She may have been suitable as his mistress for eight long years, although I have my serious doubts about it, but becoming a member of the Royal Family was a disaster.
The biggest giveaway of the conspiracy by the republicans to plug Kate Middleton as the new best thing for the British monarchy is the campaign in the media to promote a stupid idea that she has made the Royal Family look ‘exciting and vibrant and modern’. The problem with Katie is that she is plain and simple and all attempts to make her look like some fashion and style icon fail miserably, just as it sounds absolutely absurd when she is compared to Princess Diana. Even more preposterous are the claims that Buckingham Palace is worried that this unremarkable woman would – wait for it – ‘overshadow’ Prince William. This is a bit like saying that the Beatles were worried about competition with Cliff Richard. So stupid it sounds.
The Duchess of Cambridge can only appeal to people who watch Eastenders and Coronation Street religiously, as they can associate themselves with her. Her story is a chav’s version of the Cinderella story. You know, a simple, unremarkable woman is suddenly propelled into royalty. That is why every time Katie comes out in some high street dress all the simpletons rush to buy it. (I will never believe that intelligent women want to look like the duchess.)
The problem with this whole ‘fairy tale marriage’ is that it has nothing of a fairy tale about it. Ms Middleton was quite determined in her quest to ‘bag her prince’ and used every trick in the book to get him to marry her. It was a cold, calculating operation on her part and if Prince Charles had had any sense he would have put an end to this relationship once and for all. The interests of the British monarchy had nothing to do with the ambitions of the Middleton family to become related to the royals. It’s not some Monaco where the local royals marry actresses and stewardesses, seeing nothing wrong with it.
The recent scandal with the duchess’ topless photos proved once again that the republican lobby is firmly on her side, using her to drag the Royal Family down. I actually think that she is going to spell the end of the British monarchy. Don’t get me wrong, it will continue to exist but it will lack any substance and be insignificant, just like all those mainland European monarchies. The republicans, who are currently staying quiet, having concluded that the Queen is simply way too popular to be attacked openly, are bracing themselves for the change of monarchs. And then they will go on the offensive and scale down the monarchy to the level of some farcical tourist attraction. And Katie would play into their hands perfectly.
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